College and Mental Health.
I’m burnt out and I’ve been in school for a week. 18 credit hours, 6 classes and an internship and I am exhausted. I’ve turned in about 12 assignments, and I’m beat. Does this sound familiar? I don’t know about you, but I am a huge procrastinator. It’s in my blood. I wait til the day before, the day of, the last minute. And it kills me. My anxiety sky rockets. My depression tells me I can’t finish it in time, so I might as well skip it. My mental health takes a tumble every time I wait til 10 P.M. to finish an assignment due at midnight. Yet I do it almost every week. I want more for myself. I want more for you. I know this is a vicious cycle we put ourselves through every single week. It’s Monday, and we do it all over again. And it’s time we take matters into our own hands. I’ve had a shit time during college. I’ve been suicidal, at the brink of death, begging my teachers to take late assignments from the night I talked myself off a ledge. And unfortunately, some teachers just say no. They send you counseling information, tell you to go to therapy, do whatever it takes to get you to turn in an assignment on time, and we still suffer. And society says it’s not on them. It’s on us. But why? We aren’t taught to advocate for ourselves. Eat your veggies, drink the water, keep the weight off, do your work, graduate, work, have a family, die. That’s all we are taught. And it’s time to untrain our brains to just simply survive, and to teach ourselves how to manage our time, manage our workload, and to take care of ourselves in the process. Here are a few things I’m in the process of doing, curtesy to many people in my life trying to teach me how to better myself. First, carve out time to do something you love. For me, I take 3-4 baths a week, at night. During this time I’m disconnected from my phone, reading a book for an hour or so before I go to sleep. This time is sacred to me because it gets my mind off of work, school, life, and harmful thoughts. If reading isn’t for you, draw, color, write, crochet, start a hobby, grow a plant. Do something that doesn’t involve taking care of anyone but you. Second, plan out when you are going to do things. It sounds hard, I know. Set a time when you know you can watch your favorite show while you’re doing assignments. Wake up earlier or stay up a few minutes later to complete an assignment before it’s too late and your mental health is at stake. For this, I usually use a planner or a planner app. It may not seem like much, but it’s so helpful when you’re as busy as I am. Third, unplug from your phone. I’m serious. Turn it off. Like shit, it’s exhausting to stare at a screen all the time. I’m so guilty of this. I love to consume media, talk to all of you, but it drains me to be on my phone all the time. Unplug yourself from this virtual realm and take time to feel things out. If you have any other ideas to help cope with school during these shittastic times, feel free to comment or contact me. I would love to hear more. These are just a few of the things that have kept me sane during the last few weeks, and hopefully will get me through the semester. If you are struggling right now, you’re not alone. So many people are. The world is in such a strange state, and you will get through this. Reach out to a friend or family member for help if you’re feeling hopeless. You are loved. And valued. And appreciated. And that’s not determined by a scale, or your GPA. Xx
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I know it’s hard to believe that some people change. The girls in high school who bullied you are now preaching love and acceptance. The boy who called you fat now treats women with respect. The body you once hated looks beautiful to you. We’re all changing, every single day.
I spent a good majority of 2020 trying to change myself. I became this version of myself that I don’t even recognize now. Bleach blonde hair, going to a church that preached more hate than love, following messages and people that had entirely different morals than me. I tried to become this version of myself that would never stick. I spent more time trying to get temporary people to accept me than to just love myself for who i truly am instead. I went cold turkey off of my antidepressants and had many detrimental breakdowns. I thought about killing myself almost every since day for 5 months. I was told that in the church, I shouldn’t rely on prescription drugs to make me happy, God would do it for me. My faith in the church is ruined. My faith in other Christians, ruined. I spent the rest of 2020 trying to repair what the church had broken. If you’re not religious, I completely get it. The church has distorted many things in our world and quite honestly, I may never go back. I relied heavily on people more than God because that’s what people were telling me to do. Once I left a situation that no longer served me, I was hated. My mental health was at an all time low and I hit rock bottom. I got back on antidepressants, and I function better today, but I am not 100% okay. I’ve spent the last 4-5 months trying to repair what people in this world broke. I’ve spent hours on end convincing myself I’m not a terrible person like others have convinced me I am. I’ve put together a woman that so many tried to destroy. And I am stronger today than I was before. So yeah, I’ve changed. I changed what many thought they could take. And that’s okay. Because people change every single day. Some of us spend hours trying to change things about ourselves to match other people, when all we should be doing is evolving into the people we are meant to be. Change is scary. I tend to avoid it. But when I looked in a mirror 6 months ago, I hated what I saw. And today, the woman who stares back at me, is beautiful in her own strong, wonderful way. You’ve changed, and that’s okay. Because either way, you’re going to be better for it. I know it's been a while, but this month is special.
September is not only a special birthday month, and the beginning of fall, but it's also Suicide Prevention Month. This has been on my mind a lot. I've always associated myself with mental health. I've wanted to be an advocate and do my part to help people. But the last few months I've felt ashamed. Ashamed that I have struggled for so long. Ashamed because I take medication to feel normal, see a therapist when I'm struggling, and vent instead of praying right away. I've been ashamed that I am HUMAN. A year ago, I started college. I made friends left and right, I loved my classes, I loved my life. A year ago, I was completely different. When I look back on how my life was a year ago, it makes me question whether or not I would still be there if the events that happened only a week after September began, hadn't occurred. What I've learned from these thoughts, and from a few wise friends, is that I am doing better than what I think. Being an adult is really difficult. You can tell me I haven't experienced the fun yet, but I moved into an apartment by myself in the middle of a pandemic, so I've had a ball. I've felt myself slipping back into dark places. I've had breakdowns, cried for days, lost sleep, lost weight, and honestly, lost my mind. I changed jobs, and my sophomore year of college began, I've lost friends that I thought would be in my life forever. I've yelled at God, blamed myself for failures, and thought a lot about the past. The point of this is that throughout the course of a year, I've struggled with suicidal thoughts. I was assaulted. I dropped out of college. I transferred schools. I changed jobs, a lot. I went to school and got a decent GPA. I struggled through a pandemic. I've paid bills, and found more God in my life than ever before. I lived and I wanted to die. And you know what I've learned from everything that's happen? It's not a sin to feel this way, no matter who tells you it is. I've felt like a sinner. For not reading the Bible right when I'm cracking. For not praying when I'm worried. For feeling broken, and lost, and sad. I've felt like I've let everyone down, including God. I've felt like my mind has been out of control, like I've lost it completely. But, I've also felt like this has happened for a reason. If you've felt this way, you're not alone. I felt so alone, even when I knew there were people right next to me. This isn't the end of the line for you. The world is a crazy place, but you are meant to be here. Right now. This is just as much your time as anyone else's. I share these thoughts and feelings with the hopes that it'll make someone else feel less alone. If I can help at least one person, that's all that matters to me. Remember, if you have feelings of hurting yourself, please seek help. You are loved. There is nothing wrong or weak about seeking help. The world needs you here. I need you here. Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 Ever since I was little, and yes I know I am little, but I mean LITTLE, i’ve always had insecurities. We all do. Mine were the baby fat in my cheeks, and my skin pigmentation, and how no matter what I did, there was always someone who didn’t like me. I’ve always had this burning anxiety about people not liking me because I am me. When I grew up, my insecurities grew up with me. I would ask myself, “why am I so tall? why am I not skinny enough? am I even pretty?” You never grow out of your insecurities, they just grow with you.
As i’ve gotten older, i’ve come to realize that the insecurities I face now are not about my looks, or my personality, or if the cool girl at school thinks i’m funny. It’s when people ask me “why did you choose to do that?” “when do you plan on finishing your degree?” “are you going to even get married?” “when were you planning on kids?” And WOW, let me tell you, that is a shot straight to the heart. Firstly, i’d like to add, that yes, even at 19, people do ask me when i’m gonna start having KIDS. KIDS!!!! I AM A KID. And marriage? I mean? Yes, a lot of people get married really young! And that’s awesome! But for me, i’m just trying to figure out what’s next. And THAT is my biggest insecurity. What am I doing next? Why did I withdraw from school? Do I even want to go to school? What will they think when they find out I threw away a full ride scholarship? Does everyone think I’m stupid? Do they not get it? These questions pulse through my body literally every. single. day. And it’s kind of funny because, well, in today’s society we expect everyone to do the exact same thing. Do you seriously expect me to believe that God put me on this earth so I could be the exact same person as the girl who sat next to me in Geometry my sophomore year of high school? Like, come on. No, I don’t regret leaving KU because, well, my progress has been spectacular since i’ve moved home. I think the hardest thing for me has been accepting the fact that someone else will always have something to say about my situation, even if they don’t understand fully. And that’s okay. God says to love them anyways. Love the good. Love the bad. Love the people who may not love us. This week has been a week of acceptance. Accepting that I will be attending a school next week that is not KU. Accepting that my work life will be changing a ton because I got promoted (yay!). Accepting that the relationships in my life are changing, we are all growing, and hopefully that I still will continue to have the best support system i’ve had over the past few months. I’ve accepted the fact that not everyone is going to like me on this earth, but the ones who do, always make sure they show it. And that’s what counts. It’s now 2020 and boy, have things changed. I’ve learned so much from just watching life pass me by and waiting until i’m FINALLY rewarded for letting go of the life I thought I had wanted. Doing the right thing. It’s hard. But I learned that I was rewarded with a second chance. A chance to start over and leave 2019 in the past. A fresh start. God allowing me to wake up another day and soak up his word.
I learned a lot about myself in my few months in college. I learned that I have terrible time management skills, I am NOT a morning person, I have no idea how to prioritize, and that I have no idea how to set boundaries. This year, 2020, all of this will change. My year of balance. 2020. I don’t know about you guys, but I have struggled a lot in my faith. I thought I could move cities, find a good church, a nice community, and BOOM. My faith would be restored. But it doesn’t work like that in the real world. I was taught that you’re supposed to give your worries to God, and that was so hard for me. How am I supposed to trust in someone I can’t even see? When I moved back home, I was really hesitant in figuring out whether or not I wanted to go back to church. I was reading my bible, praying my butt off, and yet, I wasn’t content. No one was feeding God’s word into my brain. And I think that’s where I went wrong. I know a lot of people aren’t religious, they don’t have faith in the great unknown, but God did wonders on me. Two months ago, I was committing myself into a hospital so I didn’t hurt myself. I was dropping out of college because I couldn’t eat, or sleep, or even think straight. I was praying to God every night that things would get better. And they did. I’m alive. I’m healthy. I stopped even THINKING of hurting myself. He changed everything for me, all because I trusted in Him. And that’s HUGE. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but being angry at God was by far the biggest one. He knew I was strong enough to overcome all the obstacles he put in my way. He knew that I deserved better things so he took out the toxic ones. He knew I needed him, so he was there. This is all a big ramble about how blessed I really am for being healthy mentally, because if i’m being honest, I never thought i’d be here again. I never thought i’d get out of bed and be happy to see another morning filled with coffee, sunshine and hope. It’s so easy to write off faith because God doesn’t always give us the things that we want, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It means he does. I’m a firm believer that God has a plan for everything that I do. My life isn’t exactly luxurious, living with my parents after withdrawing from school, not being with all the friends I love every single day, but it’s getting there. There is so much power in praying and manifesting what you want. God blesses us with miracles every single day. He really showed me the light at the end of the dark tunnel, and even if you think you’re stuck there, He can show you the way out too. A lot of people go to college, and move out of their parents houses, go work full-time and really get their shit together. Let me tell you, that was my PLAN. I did the damn thing. I packed my bags, said bye to my mom, moved in with people I didn’t know, went to a full on University. And it was great. Until it wasn’t. I woke up from my dream. And it was not right for me.
So I moved home. I got a new job, I laid low for about a month, didn’t really do much. I sat around and cried about how my friends hung out without me, how everyone went to class, got good grades and DIDN’T want to die like I did. Why could they do it and I couldn’t? I let a lot of things affect me. Whenever I saw people going out and hanging out with MY people, of course I got sad. Whenever I saw pictures and videos of basketball games, the professors I loved, my old room even, I got really sad. I asked myself why I had to give up so easily. But that’s the thing. It wasn’t easy. This was not easy for me. I cried for days, maybe even weeks. I still text my roommate every single day because, well, she’s my best friend. I emailed my teachers and thanked them for the grace they gave me this semester. I call my friends all the time. Because this was NOT easy for me. I packed up 3 months of my life and just went back to where I started. Almost all of my friends are in college, so i’ve had no one to spend time with. I realized that I wasn’t ready to let go of college, and KU, and my people, and I really didn’t have to because, well, i’ll be back soon. But that doesn’t mean that I have to be sad about it. Moving on is hard. Letting go is even harder. I’ve accepted the things that have happened to me over the past few months, but their results have been challenging for me. I’ve struggled with being home for weeks, i’ve fought sadness and anger, but what i’ve realized is that I made the right choice taking care of myself. It’s so hard to do the right thing. I’m telling you guys, life comes at you fast. When I woke up on November 1st and knew that if I didn’t do something, I was seriously going to hurt myself, I had hit rock bottom. But now i’m here, and i’m better, not fully recovered, but accepting the fact that life is tough, but so am I. It’s taken me a while to come to terms with the things I’m about to share, but from what I’ve learned, a lot of the things we go through, we are not alone in.
WARNING: some of the things I talk about in this post may be triggering for those who have experienced similar situations. In my last blog post, I discussed my mental health, and how I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. They got worse. They got so bad I took myself to get evaluated at a hospital. I told myself that if I ever got that bad, I was not letting it go. My grades were fine, my attendance was okay, but I was not. I went to my advisor at KU and told him everything, and he told me that the best thing to do for my mental health was to withdraw from school. I was literally devastated. I was ashamed. What were people going to think? or say? I felt like I had failed everyone in my life. Of course, I knew that was what I needed to do. So with every ounce of the strength I had left, I packed up my life and moved home. And it was hard. I got a job that I LOVE. And being home has felt so nice. But being away from my friends, my school, my place, has been really hard. I’ve come to terms with the reasons why this happened to me and I know that sharing will help someone out there too. My first few weeks at KU were amazing. I met so many great people, I loved my classes, college was awesome. And then one day it wasn’t. It took me a whole month to even talk about what had happened to me. It’s so common for this to happen, especially at universities. It’s never the girl’s fault but we always ask her if she was drunk, or what she was wearing, or where she was at. That should not matter. In early September, I was sexually assaulted on campus. And it changed my entire college career. It made me not want to go out anymore, or even leave my room. Going to class became harder. I finally reported it a month after it had happened, but there wasn’t much I could do. So I’m sharing it now to help someone else. A lot of people have been in my place. A lot of them are women. It’s OKAY to feel like total shit because of this. It’s okay that what happened to you has changed things. It’s okay that you have to take a step back from your life in order to get it together. People are here for you, and they want to help. The second that I started getting help, I was getting better. But for me, I needed to take a step back from my life in order to help myself. And man, did that hurt. Sometimes doing what’s best for us is one of the hardest things that we have to do. This decision destroyed me. I have felt so left out watching my friends go on without me. I have been so impacted by not being in school for over a month. But I have learned that sometimes it’s OKAY not to have it all figured out. It is O K A Y. I’ll be back at KU in the fall of 2020 to complete my degree, but for now, I’ll be at JCCC and living at home so I can better myself in the meantime. I know that a lot of people don’t want to hear this, me included, but it does get better. I was at the lowest of lows a month ago. It’s okay to hit rock bottom. I did. But getting help is SO important. Please feel free to contact me if you ever are struggling. I would love to help. But remember, professional help is important too. Recently I told one of my friends that I was seriously scared I would never be happy again. And that’s completely true. I, someone who has struggled with depression for years and KNOWS that it comes in waves, am scared that I will never be happy again.
The past few months have beaten me down like a piñata. I’ve felt more alone than I have in my entire life, and I feel like everyone is judging me because of the fact that I’m just not doing good. I feel like I’ve truly failed everyone I care about. it’s been very hard. I have tried time and time again to make the right calls, but I have no idea what those calls are anymore. Because truly, I am not okay. I haven’t been okay, I haven’t felt like myself in forever, and I am mentally and physically drained. And I know I’m not alone. I know there are people out there who understand me and will be shouting “AMEN!” from the rooftops as they read this. And that’s why I’m writing it. I’m writing it for the girl who is sobbing her eyes out in her dorm room because college SUCKS. Or the guy who just got his heart broken by someone he thought was the love of his life. Or the mom who feels like nothing she does is good enough for her kids. It is OKAY to NOT BE OKAY. Your emotions are valid. And normal. And completely, utterly, fully okay. I really struggle with caring about what other people think. I always get anxiety worrying about if someone is going to judge me for wearing my polar bear sweatpants to class because frankly, I just want to be comfortable knowing that I’m going to fail my exam. I honestly walk around wearing the grossest outfits knowing people will judge me, because people are bitches. Yeah, I said it. If you’re one of those people who judges others for what they’re going through, you’re probably going through something yourself and you should work on you instead of putting others down. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk. Anyways, yes, I do worry about what others think because, well, I’m not doing too hot and other people are WAY better at hiding their shit than I am. I’m the “listen to Justin Bieber’s acoustic album and cry in my car” type of person when it comes to handling emotion, so you could say I don’t do well with it. I just haven’t been me. And that’s okay. I think. Basically this post is me rambling on trying to make sense of what I’m feeling because I KNOW someone else is out there going “I FEEL YOU GIRL” and I want that to happen. I want someone to feel less alone because of me. Just know that no matter what, okay or not, someone does really freaking love you. And you matter. Don’t forget that. Have you ever been in a place in life where you’re just like “who am I? I don’t feel like me at all.” Yeah, that’s where I’m at right now. I feel like I’m always repeating how hard the past few months have been for me, but I can’t stress it enough. This adjustment period, high school to college, 18 to 19, making new friends, living in a new city, learning new things, living without your parents, that shit is HARD. You can tell me all you want that you love the partying, drinking, freedom and independence, but at the end of the day, do you still feel just as alone as you did before?
I noticed something shift inside of me when I moved out of my hometown, away from my best friends, my mom, my entire life. It was supposed to be the next best four years of my life! No one told me how lonely the nights get. How much I would want my mom to hold me in her arms again and how badly I would want to hear my stepdad watching football in the living room again. No one told me that I would feel this empty. I began to worry about how sad I was. I wasn’t sleeping, or eating, and hell, I’m still not. I sought out help, I told people how I was feeling and I was told “it’s just the adjustment period!” The adjustment period. The homesickness, the want for home cooked meals and hugs from your grandma. This isn’t just homesickness. I’ve been thinking that all of this was just an adjustment for me. I’m good at adjusting and accommodating and doing everything for everyone. I’ve been adjusting to suicidal thoughts, thinking they’re normal because I just restarted my life and am finally going to become someone. I’ve been adjusting to 2-3 hours of sleep a night because my brain won’t shut off and stress puking until my esophagus bled. This is NOT an adjustment. This is probably the most open I’ve ever been on a blog because, well, if you’ve experienced any of this, you need to seek out help. I was hospitalized for throwing up blood because of how stressed out i’ve been. This thing we call life is not worth ruining our minds and bodies over. We should not be spreading ourselves thin to make money or get a degree or make a boy/girl like us. So tell me this— why am I beating myself up over the fact that i’m not adjusted to the “college life”? We all have these expectations for ourselves. We want the best job, an A on our exams, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, just a friend in general, a mansion, to be noticed. Yet when we fall short of our goals, we beat the shit out of ourselves on the inside until we just want to give up. And for what? To cry in our lofted dorm beds at 12:30am? Yeah, I called myself out there. It’s not normal to feel like shit. Tell yourself that every time you look in a mirror. Stop normalizing being exhausted and wanting to die and hating yourself. Stop that shit. Work on yourself. No matter how hard it is. Put down the bottle, and the drugs, stop dying and cutting your hair, and get your shit together. Or you will never make it out of this alive. I’m going to be honest, like I always am, because I created this blog for a reason, I really suck at blogging. I kinda suck at life right now, but that’s just my own opinion.
I’m calling this post “Just Keep On Going” because that’s all i’ve been telling myself the past 6 weeks of my life since I uprooted the last 18 years of my life and moved cities. It’s been really hard, I won’t lie. Many people keep telling me, “you’re so lucky, you’re only 45 minutes from home!” But the thing is, I moved into a new place just like everyone. And just like everyone else, I missed my damn mom. And I have NO shame. If you’ve ever met my mom, you’d know why I miss her, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The first 6 weeks of college for me sucked absolute ass. I’m being honest. I felt so alone, I got unbelievably ill, I wanted to drop out, move home, or literally die. Yeah, I said it. I wanted to die. I was in a constant state of not knowing what to do. I wanted to give up. I wanted to throw in the towel and say “i’m so done” about 32 times every single day for the last 6 weeks. I called my parents, my siblings, I even called my freaking THERAPIST because I was like “nope, i’m outta here.” The funny thing is, I never took a moment to catch my breath. I looked around at everyone with all their best friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and I straight up felt like the loneliest person in the whole world. I was so mentally not there that I drove myself to insanity thinking that everyone around me hated me. My point is that, yes, as much as I thought I was going to THRIVE in college, it started out as a grade A shitshow, and if you know me, you know that’s not a shocker. In all this chaos, I found myself literally begging God to keep me going. I wanted some sort of sign that I was going to be okay. I think that we as human beings expect the Great Beyond (i’m not sure what you believe in but oh well) to send us a signal for us to be like “oh yeah, i’ll do my taxes now” or “I mean I GUESS i’ll get married” when in reality, we’re not entitled to any of that shit. What I didn’t realize was that change is HARD. I was expecting freakin High School Musical part 2, as if I wasn’t already disappointed for the last four years, and reality set in that I seriously need to get my shit together. After watching my step-brother get married to the love of his life this week, and me sobbing like a baby in the literal bridal party, I realized that i’m going to get no where if I don’t keep on going. I can sit here and think about how shitty my life has been, about all the people who have wronged me and made me feel this way, or I can get up, go out and take charge of the things that I need to be doing. In the middle of all this chaos, I lost sight of what i’ve been passionate about doing for the past year, my business, and it dug me into a deeper hole of sadness. I’ve been so afraid of what people would think of me that I lost sight of what I think of myself, and honestly, that matters WAY more. I go to a school with 30,000 people, if a few won’t be my friend because I want to own my own business and get my coin, I don’t think i’m gonna lose that much sleep over it. The overall theme of the past 6-7 weeks of my life that have been literal hell but also the biggest blessings to ever happen to me is to KEEP. ON. GOING. seriously. What do you think is the worst that could happen if you kept on going? ps. take care of yourself sister/brother. I care about you. And so do all the people around you. Reach out and seek help if you are deeply struggling in the ways I was, or even in worse circumstances. I want you here. And so do a million other people. |
AuthorJust an 19 year old trying to figure out how this all works. Archives
September 2020
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