It’s currently 12:52am right now and I am approximately one month overdue of a new blog post. The truth is, this month has rocked my shit. I went through a break up with my long-term boyfriend, I’ve been preparing to move to a new city and away from my friends and family and really my whole life, my business has not been flourishing and frankly I feel like a huge failure. I feel judged, unloved and really flipping alone.
I decided I needed to focus on myself. I couldn’t do this whole “taking care of other people’s shit” thing anymore, and it was traumatic and I feel guilt and shame and frankly, I need a whole lot of Jesus to help me recover. I decided that being there for myself was more important at this exact moment, but I really have done nothing to make me feel significant for more than a few hours. I have failed at being present for myself. And I’m very disappointed. You’d think that since you are you, being there for yourself would be easy. But it’s not. A bath and a face mask is not really being there for yourself. When you only shower once a week like I did, and barely ate a meal a day, you start to realize that maybe you need like, 10 hours of therapy to really get your shit in check. And that’s exactly what I did. I called up my therapist, we scheduled weekly meetings up until I leave for Lawrence, and I talked through all these unwanted, yet very valid, emotions swarming my brain. And she told me exactly what I didn’t want to hear. You’re not showing up for yourself. When are you going to make yourself a priority? Of course I was like WOAH, excuse me? I have a 15 minute skincare routine and I drink my skinny coffee almost everyday, and you’re telling me that i’m not there for myself? Yeah, like usual, I was very wrong. Being there for yourself emotionally is very different than eating your necessary food groups and practicing basic hygiene. It’s showing up for the sad parts, the angry parts and the lonely parts of yourself that you want to lock away inside of you until they come out and take over. It’s saying to them “Hey, I hear you. I honor you. I respect your feelings and I want to help.” and showing them that you care, but they can’t ransack your brain and make you depressed and spiral and forget to shower for a month. The bottomline is, yeah, I completely failed myself. But is that the end of the world? No. Am I ever going to be a successful business owner? Hell yeah I am. Will I ever find someone who loves me and wants to marry me? God, I sure hope so, but that’s not really a priority to me right now. Is moving away from my mom and my dog and my childhood home going to be very sad and hard? Yes, but I’m starting everything over and even though that’s a scary thought, I still get to wake up and show up for myself and do things that some people dream of. And am I going to fail again? Most definitely. These feelings that have made me draw back from my business, writing, doing things I love are all out of the fear that I will never be good enough. And I am tired of the devil on my shoulder taking control and telling me that no matter how hard I work, i’ll never make money or find love or graduate college or be happy again. Because that’s complete BS! As I lay here writing this with tears welling in my eyes, I realize that I am not the person I was a month ago when I withdrew myself from things that were no longer serving me. I’m not the same person I was last week! I am constantly changing, and the girl who failed herself for the past few weeks, she’s already gone. And now the new woman blooming inside of me is telling me to kick ass and not let what others have going on for them dictate how I feel about my own successes. Long story short, BE THERE FOR YOURSELF.
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Do you know what it's like to own an online business at the age of 18? It's not easy. I graduated two months ago, yet people I went to school with are always ridiculing me online. As someone who is very sensitive, it gets to me. It stings a little every single time. These people who never acknowledged me one time kindly for FOUR WHOLE YEARS feel the need to comment on how I make money. And you know what? It really stinking hurts!
When I started my business 9 months ago, I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't expect random people who never talked to me to come up to me and ask me how my "pyramid scheme" is going. It's going great, Todd, thank you for asking. Uneducated and unsuccessful people will constantly try to stand in the way of your dreams, that's just how life goes. I have faced some of the most hateful comments I've ever received in my life, just for posting about Keto products on social media. It makes no sense. Basically, my point of this is to tell you that when people judge you, and belittle you, it's none of your damn business. I have read that over and over all week this week on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook, and I can't think of anything more true. Another person, especially one who doesn't know you or your struggles, who has a negative opinion of you does not matter. What someone else thinks and says about you, is not any of your business. There will always be people who are bitter because of your success, and you know what the best medicine for that bitterness is? More. Success. Show your haters that their words mean NOTHING to you, even if they do. For me, it's always nice when my badass best friends step in and take control, but it's also just simply blocking negative people. Social media is so powerful. This can be good AND bad. It's amazing that I can build an entire business from my fingertips, but when someone messages me something hurtful from behind their screen, they don't feel guilty. As someone who is just growing on social media, the hate I face is from people that I know, and that seems to sting more. The best solution to this is to simply remove yourself from the situation. Not everyone deserves your words. Some people just don't understand that their actions have consequences, and they can take that up with the Big Guy upstairs who has my back. I believe so strongly that God has a plan for me. I believe he has a plan for every single person. If you feel the need to shit on someone else's God-Given plan, shame on you! Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that what other people think can really hurt our feelings. It shapes us, our opinions of ourselves, and can hurt our dreams. Do not let someone who isn't hustling as hard as you tell you how to live your life. Unsuccessful people will do ANYTHING to drag others down, and YOU are better than that. Stop living in the lies of other people's opinions. What's stopping you? I told myself I was going to make a blog at some point in my life, but I am, and forever will be, technologically challenged, so I started pretty late in the game.
Welcome to my new blog! If you want to know more about me, I will be updating my "about me" page with more information as I think of it, and I'll be sharing some semi-insightful stories to help inspire others and hopefully make someone feel a little less alone. So here's the deal. Ever since I graduated high school two months ago, (yeah I know, lame) I've been trying to figure out what's next for me. I have the whole four year university plan in my favor, but somehow I just feel like that isn't enough to satisfy me. High school was very difficult for me, and I feel as though I need to make it up to myself for all the suffering I went through. Side note: high school girls are SO mean, I think I need to change my whole life because of how horrible I felt about high school Abby. So, what's next? I'm glad you asked. Even if you didn't, just humor me, please. I want to say that you can "Marie Kondo" your life and that will make you feel fulfilled, but every time I throw half my closet away, all it does is piss my mom off and make me do more laundry, because I no longer have a wardrobe. Reorganization is more than just throwing things in a trash bag and hoping that you've decluttered enough of your desk to find your laptop again. It's about repurposing the things you have, and learning how to befriend your inner demons telling you to redecorate your entire room at 2am. I'm not saying that deep cleaning your whole house is the next big step in your life, but that was step 1 for me, and it helped me prepare for moving on and moving out. To be honest, repurposing a lot of the things I own helped me understand that I don't need to buy a new candle every single time I walk into the home decor section in Target. I have wasted so much money on things that I just throw in the trash in 6 months, and that money could've gone towards something more useful. So that's where I'm at right now, reorganizing my life, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and I still have a lot of work to do. |
AuthorJust an 19 year old trying to figure out how this all works. Archives
September 2020
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