Have you ever been in a place in life where you’re just like “who am I? I don’t feel like me at all.” Yeah, that’s where I’m at right now. I feel like I’m always repeating how hard the past few months have been for me, but I can’t stress it enough. This adjustment period, high school to college, 18 to 19, making new friends, living in a new city, learning new things, living without your parents, that shit is HARD. You can tell me all you want that you love the partying, drinking, freedom and independence, but at the end of the day, do you still feel just as alone as you did before?
I noticed something shift inside of me when I moved out of my hometown, away from my best friends, my mom, my entire life. It was supposed to be the next best four years of my life! No one told me how lonely the nights get. How much I would want my mom to hold me in her arms again and how badly I would want to hear my stepdad watching football in the living room again. No one told me that I would feel this empty. I began to worry about how sad I was. I wasn’t sleeping, or eating, and hell, I’m still not. I sought out help, I told people how I was feeling and I was told “it’s just the adjustment period!” The adjustment period. The homesickness, the want for home cooked meals and hugs from your grandma. This isn’t just homesickness. I’ve been thinking that all of this was just an adjustment for me. I’m good at adjusting and accommodating and doing everything for everyone. I’ve been adjusting to suicidal thoughts, thinking they’re normal because I just restarted my life and am finally going to become someone. I’ve been adjusting to 2-3 hours of sleep a night because my brain won’t shut off and stress puking until my esophagus bled. This is NOT an adjustment. This is probably the most open I’ve ever been on a blog because, well, if you’ve experienced any of this, you need to seek out help. I was hospitalized for throwing up blood because of how stressed out i’ve been. This thing we call life is not worth ruining our minds and bodies over. We should not be spreading ourselves thin to make money or get a degree or make a boy/girl like us. So tell me this— why am I beating myself up over the fact that i’m not adjusted to the “college life”? We all have these expectations for ourselves. We want the best job, an A on our exams, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, just a friend in general, a mansion, to be noticed. Yet when we fall short of our goals, we beat the shit out of ourselves on the inside until we just want to give up. And for what? To cry in our lofted dorm beds at 12:30am? Yeah, I called myself out there. It’s not normal to feel like shit. Tell yourself that every time you look in a mirror. Stop normalizing being exhausted and wanting to die and hating yourself. Stop that shit. Work on yourself. No matter how hard it is. Put down the bottle, and the drugs, stop dying and cutting your hair, and get your shit together. Or you will never make it out of this alive.
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I’m going to be honest, like I always am, because I created this blog for a reason, I really suck at blogging. I kinda suck at life right now, but that’s just my own opinion.
I’m calling this post “Just Keep On Going” because that’s all i’ve been telling myself the past 6 weeks of my life since I uprooted the last 18 years of my life and moved cities. It’s been really hard, I won’t lie. Many people keep telling me, “you’re so lucky, you’re only 45 minutes from home!” But the thing is, I moved into a new place just like everyone. And just like everyone else, I missed my damn mom. And I have NO shame. If you’ve ever met my mom, you’d know why I miss her, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The first 6 weeks of college for me sucked absolute ass. I’m being honest. I felt so alone, I got unbelievably ill, I wanted to drop out, move home, or literally die. Yeah, I said it. I wanted to die. I was in a constant state of not knowing what to do. I wanted to give up. I wanted to throw in the towel and say “i’m so done” about 32 times every single day for the last 6 weeks. I called my parents, my siblings, I even called my freaking THERAPIST because I was like “nope, i’m outta here.” The funny thing is, I never took a moment to catch my breath. I looked around at everyone with all their best friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and I straight up felt like the loneliest person in the whole world. I was so mentally not there that I drove myself to insanity thinking that everyone around me hated me. My point is that, yes, as much as I thought I was going to THRIVE in college, it started out as a grade A shitshow, and if you know me, you know that’s not a shocker. In all this chaos, I found myself literally begging God to keep me going. I wanted some sort of sign that I was going to be okay. I think that we as human beings expect the Great Beyond (i’m not sure what you believe in but oh well) to send us a signal for us to be like “oh yeah, i’ll do my taxes now” or “I mean I GUESS i’ll get married” when in reality, we’re not entitled to any of that shit. What I didn’t realize was that change is HARD. I was expecting freakin High School Musical part 2, as if I wasn’t already disappointed for the last four years, and reality set in that I seriously need to get my shit together. After watching my step-brother get married to the love of his life this week, and me sobbing like a baby in the literal bridal party, I realized that i’m going to get no where if I don’t keep on going. I can sit here and think about how shitty my life has been, about all the people who have wronged me and made me feel this way, or I can get up, go out and take charge of the things that I need to be doing. In the middle of all this chaos, I lost sight of what i’ve been passionate about doing for the past year, my business, and it dug me into a deeper hole of sadness. I’ve been so afraid of what people would think of me that I lost sight of what I think of myself, and honestly, that matters WAY more. I go to a school with 30,000 people, if a few won’t be my friend because I want to own my own business and get my coin, I don’t think i’m gonna lose that much sleep over it. The overall theme of the past 6-7 weeks of my life that have been literal hell but also the biggest blessings to ever happen to me is to KEEP. ON. GOING. seriously. What do you think is the worst that could happen if you kept on going? ps. take care of yourself sister/brother. I care about you. And so do all the people around you. Reach out and seek help if you are deeply struggling in the ways I was, or even in worse circumstances. I want you here. And so do a million other people. |
AuthorJust an 19 year old trying to figure out how this all works. Archives
September 2020
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