Have you ever been in a place in life where you’re just like “who am I? I don’t feel like me at all.” Yeah, that’s where I’m at right now. I feel like I’m always repeating how hard the past few months have been for me, but I can’t stress it enough. This adjustment period, high school to college, 18 to 19, making new friends, living in a new city, learning new things, living without your parents, that shit is HARD. You can tell me all you want that you love the partying, drinking, freedom and independence, but at the end of the day, do you still feel just as alone as you did before?
I noticed something shift inside of me when I moved out of my hometown, away from my best friends, my mom, my entire life. It was supposed to be the next best four years of my life! No one told me how lonely the nights get. How much I would want my mom to hold me in her arms again and how badly I would want to hear my stepdad watching football in the living room again. No one told me that I would feel this empty. I began to worry about how sad I was. I wasn’t sleeping, or eating, and hell, I’m still not. I sought out help, I told people how I was feeling and I was told “it’s just the adjustment period!” The adjustment period. The homesickness, the want for home cooked meals and hugs from your grandma. This isn’t just homesickness. I’ve been thinking that all of this was just an adjustment for me. I’m good at adjusting and accommodating and doing everything for everyone. I’ve been adjusting to suicidal thoughts, thinking they’re normal because I just restarted my life and am finally going to become someone. I’ve been adjusting to 2-3 hours of sleep a night because my brain won’t shut off and stress puking until my esophagus bled. This is NOT an adjustment. This is probably the most open I’ve ever been on a blog because, well, if you’ve experienced any of this, you need to seek out help. I was hospitalized for throwing up blood because of how stressed out i’ve been. This thing we call life is not worth ruining our minds and bodies over. We should not be spreading ourselves thin to make money or get a degree or make a boy/girl like us. So tell me this— why am I beating myself up over the fact that i’m not adjusted to the “college life”? We all have these expectations for ourselves. We want the best job, an A on our exams, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, just a friend in general, a mansion, to be noticed. Yet when we fall short of our goals, we beat the shit out of ourselves on the inside until we just want to give up. And for what? To cry in our lofted dorm beds at 12:30am? Yeah, I called myself out there. It’s not normal to feel like shit. Tell yourself that every time you look in a mirror. Stop normalizing being exhausted and wanting to die and hating yourself. Stop that shit. Work on yourself. No matter how hard it is. Put down the bottle, and the drugs, stop dying and cutting your hair, and get your shit together. Or you will never make it out of this alive.
2 Comments
David
10/24/2019 12:49:30 pm
Just let me know anytime you need a dad visit. It doesn't have to be in the hospital. A nice restaurant or coffee shop will do 😁
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Nikki
10/24/2019 12:54:54 pm
Hang in there Abby! You got this!
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AuthorJust an 19 year old trying to figure out how this all works. Archives
September 2020
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