It’s currently 12:52am right now and I am approximately one month overdue of a new blog post. The truth is, this month has rocked my shit. I went through a break up with my long-term boyfriend, I’ve been preparing to move to a new city and away from my friends and family and really my whole life, my business has not been flourishing and frankly I feel like a huge failure. I feel judged, unloved and really flipping alone.
I decided I needed to focus on myself. I couldn’t do this whole “taking care of other people’s shit” thing anymore, and it was traumatic and I feel guilt and shame and frankly, I need a whole lot of Jesus to help me recover. I decided that being there for myself was more important at this exact moment, but I really have done nothing to make me feel significant for more than a few hours. I have failed at being present for myself. And I’m very disappointed. You’d think that since you are you, being there for yourself would be easy. But it’s not. A bath and a face mask is not really being there for yourself. When you only shower once a week like I did, and barely ate a meal a day, you start to realize that maybe you need like, 10 hours of therapy to really get your shit in check. And that’s exactly what I did. I called up my therapist, we scheduled weekly meetings up until I leave for Lawrence, and I talked through all these unwanted, yet very valid, emotions swarming my brain. And she told me exactly what I didn’t want to hear. You’re not showing up for yourself. When are you going to make yourself a priority? Of course I was like WOAH, excuse me? I have a 15 minute skincare routine and I drink my skinny coffee almost everyday, and you’re telling me that i’m not there for myself? Yeah, like usual, I was very wrong. Being there for yourself emotionally is very different than eating your necessary food groups and practicing basic hygiene. It’s showing up for the sad parts, the angry parts and the lonely parts of yourself that you want to lock away inside of you until they come out and take over. It’s saying to them “Hey, I hear you. I honor you. I respect your feelings and I want to help.” and showing them that you care, but they can’t ransack your brain and make you depressed and spiral and forget to shower for a month. The bottomline is, yeah, I completely failed myself. But is that the end of the world? No. Am I ever going to be a successful business owner? Hell yeah I am. Will I ever find someone who loves me and wants to marry me? God, I sure hope so, but that’s not really a priority to me right now. Is moving away from my mom and my dog and my childhood home going to be very sad and hard? Yes, but I’m starting everything over and even though that’s a scary thought, I still get to wake up and show up for myself and do things that some people dream of. And am I going to fail again? Most definitely. These feelings that have made me draw back from my business, writing, doing things I love are all out of the fear that I will never be good enough. And I am tired of the devil on my shoulder taking control and telling me that no matter how hard I work, i’ll never make money or find love or graduate college or be happy again. Because that’s complete BS! As I lay here writing this with tears welling in my eyes, I realize that I am not the person I was a month ago when I withdrew myself from things that were no longer serving me. I’m not the same person I was last week! I am constantly changing, and the girl who failed herself for the past few weeks, she’s already gone. And now the new woman blooming inside of me is telling me to kick ass and not let what others have going on for them dictate how I feel about my own successes. Long story short, BE THERE FOR YOURSELF.
1 Comment
Dad
8/17/2019 02:55:06 pm
Always wise beyond her years, that daughter of mine!
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AuthorJust an 19 year old trying to figure out how this all works. Archives
September 2020
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